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Dollars & Sense:
All right, I admit it. This is becoming a habit. Let us bring in the DM Review (DMR) version of Johnny Carson's original Carnac the Magnificent - DMRnac - who divines the answers to this month's questions before they are even asked. Yes, even though this material has been sealed in a fat-free mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's (or NCR's, or Oracle's) porch since noon today, DMRnac, the one and only, will guess the questions.
A: Cell phone
Q: What do you want to do when you get your teenage daughter's wireless phone bill?
Q: What do you call the move in volleyball where you spike the ball directly at your opponent?
Q: What would you like to do to your company's accountant when she tells you that the attestation you just signed to comply with Sarbanes-Oxley Section 404 was ill-advised?
Q: What do you do in a Port-a-John?
Q: What did the Lone Ranger ride into?
Q: What do you call the guy who makes your sandwich at the deli?
Q: What happens when you visualize a trio of (almost extinct) post offices?
Q: What do you call control-top panty hose?
A: Job opening
Q: What do all of Elliot Spitzer's targets yearn for, but will probably never see again?
Q: What do you call Antigone Rising and other new all-female bands?
Q: What do you call a "V" without anything inside of it?
Q: What does a drunken redneck good ol' boy ask a bartender to do?
Q: What does de fisherman put on de hook to catch de fish?
A: Ring tone
Q: When a bride has to choose between silver and gold, what is she choosing?
Q: What do you call it when an octopus that has lost a tentacle grows a new one?
Q: What do you call the muscle-building supplements injected into athletes' buttocks?
A: Moisturizer, Manchester United and Social Security
Q: Name a cream, a team and a dream.
Q: Describe the cause and effect of drinking a particular blended whiskey.
A: Street smarts
Q: What can GPS provide when you are trying to locate an address?
A: A chip
Q: Name something crispy, something served with fish and something advertised by the Blue Man Group.
A: Stay online
Q: What do you hope to achieve when the policeman pulls you over and makes you take a sobriety test?
Q: How is cloudy weather described?
Q: What is reputed to be enabled by a combination of Weight Watchers and that tummy tuck operation?
A: The dark side
Q: What do you call Alan Greenspan's prediction of housing prices?
A: Extract, transform and load
Q: What do you call a data makeover?
Q: Name a couple of cell locations in a wide, but shallow Excel spreadsheet.
Susan Osterfelt is senior vice president at Bank of America, in Charlotte, North Carolina. She can be reached at email@example.com.
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