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Dollars & Sense:
Seer, Sage, Soothsaye

  Column published in DM Review Magazine
June 2005 Issue
  By Susan Osterfelt

Yes, folks ... back by popular demand is the Johnny Carson legacy - Carnac the Magnificent. You remember, that mysterious visitor from the East who divines the answers to your questions without ever having seen them? Indeed, these questions have been hermetically sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one, and I mean no one knows the contents. So here goes!

Carnac: May your code never compile.

A. Metrics
Q. How do you describe your introduction to multiple guys named Rick?

A. Cash flow
Q. What does your cash do when your kids go off to college?

A. Supply chain
Q. What does Home Depot do when they provide raw materials for a fence?

A. Web navigation
Q. What does a fly wish it had when it gets stuck in a spider's web?

A. Open source
Q. What do you call someone from Richard Nixon's administration?

Q. What do you call Aunt Dorothy's hair net?

A. Applet
Q. What is one ingredient of a Waldorf salad?

A. Learning curve
Q. What do you call a NASCAR training facility?

A. Hypercube
Q. How do you describe a piece of ice that jumps around in your glass?

A. Snowflake schema
Q. How does a blizzard determine how it will advance over Boston?

Q. What does the giant in Jack and the Beanstalk put between "fee" and "fum"?

A. Drag and drop
Q. How do you get the new area rug you just purchased into the house?

A. Slice and dice
Q. What does the Kabuki waiter do to the vegetables you order with your meal?

A. Drill anywhere
Q. What does a drunken Texas geologist do?

A. Debug
Q. What do you call de thing you accidentally find in de soup?

A. Ethernet
Q. What do you ask for when you need to contain an invisible substance?

A. Gartner
Q. Who do you call when you need someone to care for your roses and tulips?

A. Cache
Q. What do you get at the ATM?

A. Foxpro
Q. Who was Red Sanford?

A. Excel
Q. What do you want your kids to do in sports?

A. Second normal form
Q. What does a pro baseball player look like when he goes off steroids?

Q. What do you call a dyslexic cobra?

Q. Who was the star goalie for the Colorado Avalanche?

A. Goodwill
Q. What did William Tell's mother say to him after he shot the apple?

A. Intangible asset
Q. What do you have when the government seizes your belongings to pay your tax bill?

A. Microsoft
Q. How would you describe a very small cotton ball?

A. B2B
Q. In the hive, how does the Queen want her workers to line up?

A. Java 2
Q. What does my husband order from Starbucks when we visit Seattle?

A. Middleware
Q. What do you try to get rid of with the South Beach diet?

A. Intuit!
Q. When your family is putting together an aquarium, where do you direct your lovable but messy daughter to put the water?

A. Web site
Q. Where does Charlotte decide to build her home?

A. Host server
Q. Who serves hors d'oeuvres at a party without caterers?

Q. How does it feel when you accidentally step in a piece of gum on the sidewalk?

And the final answer:

Q. How does Elmer Fudd pronounce "Dell"? 


For more information on related topics visit the following related portals...
Business Intelligence (BI).

Susan Osterfelt is senior vice president at Bank of America, in Charlotte, North Carolina. She can be reached at susan.osterfelt@bankofamerica.com.

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